Focus on the good news

Well there’s the good news:It’s that I’m dying 

I mumble to myself 

Glaring at the dirty white ceiling 

Of an otherwise bleak sterile hospital room

Oxygen mask and morphine combining

To garble my speech
Great; the one time I’m sober

And my last words are slurred

Like I’ve necked three bottles. 
Am I the first person who’s last sight 

Was this dull filthy ceiling

Or were there dozens of suffering bastards before me

Who’s lungs were giving out by the second

And all they wanted was a fucking cigarette
I’m dying now

Blindly firing off prayers

To the so-called god refusing to grant me decent sight

I’m allowed to curse
Guess now

I’m leaving only partly by choice

I can understand why people drink themselves stupid

Smoke their insides sticky black

And jump off of cold modern skyscrapers 
Just get me the hell out of here already 

It hurts so fucking bad my insides like sketchy pencil drawings

Being furiously, papercrumplingly erased
The scars on my wrists

Are itchy
Infuriatingly the heart monitor beeps

And yeah it’s slowing down

Just not fast enough

Insistent on the fact that I’m still breathing

Even though that doesn’t mean I’m alive. 
And suddenly

It quickly gets slower

The alien green line falling further down than it jumps up with every struggling beat

Well there’s the good news:

It’s that I’m dying

Properly now
This isn’t peaceful 

It’s bitter and angry and surprisingly full of regret

So don’t you dare call it beautifully tragic 
Well there’s the good news:

It’s that I’m dead. 

Pop goes the radio 

So I’m not sure where this came from, I finally found some motivation to post today. 

I don’t usually make posts like this but I want to start it off by saying I am not writing this to insult anyone’s taste in music, because it’s all subjective and personal, this is just me sharing my opinion. If I come across as harsh, that’s just me being passionate?

So, personally, I think all pop music is utter bull don’t like pop music. I find it so repetitive and meaningless despite how it’s all based on legendary artists such as David Bowie, who were famous for creating new and original sound. I find that the anatomy of most modern/popular songs usually include generic lyrics about sex, drugs, money and ex lovers that all use the same profane expressions and basic structure to convey a non-existent message to the avid audience. 

Each song appears to contain (yes I have done extensive research and am very passionate) a backbeat in four-time, an odd keychange during the bridge, constant repetition of the chorus, and most likely a rap section prior to the bridge as well. The structure is widely used by most pop artists and commonly followed by a lazy fadeout to end the song. 

Lyrics-wise, the main topics are sex and ex-lovers. It almost combines the blues style of complaining with an irritatingly basic set of vocabulary and, as I’ve ironically mentioned before, repetition in order to fill empty gaps and force the tune to remain in your head for the rest of the day so you constantly, absent-mindley hum it. 

A lot of meaningful music that I know generally has a wider range of lyrical topics, more advanced structure and more unique style, despite being judged or disliked a lot due to either the music’s individuality or “less appealing style” (by which I am referring to so-called “emo music” whereby some listeners cease to pay attention to the actual words and focus on judging and stereotyping the “metal screaming” instead sorry I just had to get that bit in there). I’ve heard people I know boast about how much they listen to what they deem as “meaningful music” in which the most beautiful lyric they can think of is either overused or, if it is actually meaningful, pales in comparison to many other artist’s creations. 

In addition to the previously mentioned points, another major difference separating pop music from other genres is the artists themselves. I’m not here to “hate on anyone” in particular, and again, know that I am speaking generally, however it does become increasingly obvious how being granted such vast levels of press and attention gradually causes artists to all fit together and become more generic and stereotypical in their work. Regardless of this, their audiences still eat up their new music and buy it off iTunes. 

The issue here however, is that, should the music that actually includes meaning and interesting structure and artists who are known for caring for and taking interest in their audiences gain more popularity and understanding and replace current pop music, then the work would end up deemed “generic” which would defeat the purpose of individual music, which is the whole point of the style. 

Adolescence 

Wandering the graveyard

Of innocent childhood dreams

Seeing and feeling in

Harsh extremes

The magnified senses,

Climbing statistics of sad kids

Who down pretty prescriptions for a 

Reason to live- we are now

No more than a statistic it seems 

And the hormones writhing and jumping and gnawing 

At your bloodstream

The hormones that got blamed for everything 

And the headphones who’s music was never

Quite loud enough to math your mood. 

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

To adolescence. 

Nothing the suicide kid

In the final days

Of nothing the suicide kid

The child concluded

That life is in fact

A graveyard. 

Living, breathing, hoping all headstones 

And that

Believing that you are yet to die,

Lusting to leave something behind,

Living as you are,

Are all

Side effects

Of dying 

Loading title…

No, that actually is the title for this post, your device hasn’t glitched. (It’s a metaphor for my lack of ideas)

So I’ve been thinking. That’s it. Just thinking. And guess what- nothing’s come. I have no inspiration, no ideas, nothing. I kinda wanted this blog to maybe get somewhere, I’m not sure why. Maybe I’m having a bo burnham moment; “my drug’s attention, I am an addict”. I’m not sure. I guess I have a lot to say then realise how stupid it sounds, or how my point is actually just really dumb or too deep. Like I said, in a way I wanted people to read this, I wanted my messed up head to produce something worth it since I can’t do that through music but I can’t and I’m just feeling really dull and uninteresting. I think I’ll delete this blog for good soon because I’m feeling pretty useless right now. 

I don’t think I should major in philosophy, looking at my posts based on it. Not sure if this is my final post or not. 

ProudToBeEvil 

Poems?

So I write a lot of music/poetry as a way of ranting- to any of my huge number of followers (approximately three followers actually), should I share them or not? Not really expecting many replies but still 

So much depends 

So much depends On the last drag of the cigarette

Ember grasping what oxygen it can

Before you fake quitting

“For good”
So much depends

On the first few swigs of whiskey

Prior to a hatred-induced drunken rage

Of destroying belongings and waking

The good Christian neighbours
So much depends

On the first bottle of pills and set

Of bloodshot eyes yearning for

A drug that will do nothing but

Prolong their useless existence
So much depends

On the first prescription

The first paving slab lining

The so-called “road to recovery”

And the lack of expectation for the inevitable relapse

So much depends

On the completion of a poem

Written by just another sad kid

Because only the pages will listen

And give her closure

A poem to fake bitches 

The problem, you see

With being fully fake

Is how blatantly fun you become 

To break. 

We live in paper towns

Full of us paper people 

Coloured so sadly, optimistically brightly 

To match the stark fluorescent lights

That we become plastic. 

Shiny, tough, pretty plastics

Who believe we’re never going to 

Break

But we will. 

Trust me, I know- I’m not

Brave anymore, sweetheart

They’ve broken me. 

Because, yes, paper can tear

Crumple 

Burn

But honey, plastic snaps. 

Snaps like bones breaking, like

Wood burning

Too hard and fast to replace. 

So please, I beg you,

Though it hurts like hell

Stay as honest and paper as you can. 

You’ll be a target-

It’s no fun being a teen fake 

Because when you think you won’t die

You’re even more fun to break. 

From the author to the reader 

I was bored and decided to write a piece from the point of view of a book protagonist exploring what happens to them when we finish the books, so enjoy I guess:

So this is it I guess. We’re going to hit the back cover pretty soon. I’ve told you everything there is to know and you’ve listened. Now what?
I look around the room. It’s the same as always. Same papery walls, same dull ceiling, same hardback door. I can hear the rain hammering on the foggy window, demanding to be let inside. It’s cold in here. Seems to be getting colder. How is it where you are?

I can’t hear you very well- your voice seems to be getting harder and harder to hear. The colours in this room are fading. The temperature continued to gradually drop. I hate this, but it was going to happen, right?

Oh God, now the nostalgia is setting in. I’ve sat in this empty room page upon page and divulged my story to you. That sounds so typical, doesn’t it? “My story”, as if it was some epic romantic tale. 

I think you might have just said something, but I’m not too sure. It sounded like a mumble, but it might have been the thunder outside. I guess those might be the last words I’ll hear you say. 

You’re crying, aren’t you? I might be mistaking it for the torrents of rain but I can tell, you’re crying. I can tell because everything just got duller even quicker. I hate hurting you. Please don’t cry. I’m really sorry this has to happen. I don’t get a choice in this either. 

I just realised how much I’ve spoken about myself. Still, through that I’ve found out so much about you. Thank you so much for this. 

“Thank” is such a peculiar words, isn’t it? Say it too many times and it stops sounding like a word. I’m not quite sure why I’m talking about that at this point, I guess I’m outstaying my welcome here. I’m just trying to stretch out what time I have left and start conversation. Although your voice is almost completely gone now. 

I look down at my hands and they’ve gone translucent. I seem to be fading with the rest of this place now. I stand up and walk around, trying to grasp what’s left. There’s not much of that anymore it seems. 

So, no more chapters, no more lonely night rants to you. There’s nothing left now. I can still tell you’re crying, please don’t. It’s only going to make the both of us sad; there’s no reason to be sad, right?

I mean, I’ll see you again sometime, won’t I? You’ll come back?

It’s freezing cold I’m here now. Looking down at my hands, they’re so faded I can barely see them. The back cover is just past the horizon. I have no choice but to leave. 
please don’t close the book. i didn’t know dying would hurt this bad. 

Arguments against homophobes 

– [ ] Conversion therapy makes people 8 times more likely to attempt suicide and 3 times more likely to use illegal drugs

– [ ] A gay Vietnam veteran was given a medal for killing two men and a discharge for loving one 

– [ ] If you think love is a choice, that means you chose to be straight. That doesn’t make gay the wrong choice

– [ ] God is meant to love everyone and give them free will so why do you think you can interfere with that if you believe in God so much 

– [ ] The quote “you shall not lie with man as you do a woman…he who does so shall be put to death” (Leviticus 6:9) came from a disciple, not God so it is not actually the word of God

– [ ] “Don’t fight hate with hate” so you admit that you hate gays then?

– [ ] You weren’t the gunman who shot at the Orlando nightclub but you agreed with his motives so technically you put the bullets in his gun

– [ ] LBGTQ people won’t stop loving each other just because you banned their marriage the same way drug abusers don’t stop taking drugs just because it’s against the law

– [ ] Guns are harmful, gays are not

– [ ] You know gays exist and you don’t know if God exists but you don’t like gays in case is pisses God off where is the logic?

– [ ] Conversion therapy literally teaches people to hate every fibre of their being (known as “deconstructing you as a person”) and most people between the ages of 13-17 commit suicide within the first few weeks. Then they “rebuild you as a person” by which they mean “teach you how to be straight”. This is one of the many methods used in conversion therapy, amongst electroshock and others. 

– [ ] Why is seeing a gay couple holding hands “forcing a lifestyle on kids” but forcing your kids to go to church and attend youth groups etc not?

– [ ] God loves everyone so why is someone else’s love a sin and not his?

– [ ] Some countries still carry the death penalty (hanging or firing squad) simply for loving another person

– [ ] Homosexuality is found in over 120 species and homophobia is only found in ours- which ones unnatural now? It’s not a phobia, you’re not scared you’re just an asshole

– [ ] God guys you’re Fucking assholes
This has been the anger/hate-fuelled, caffeine induced rant of a fourteen year old activist.